Dating Problems for a Guy

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Dear Hoopers,
Why is so little written about hetero men’s troubles in dating? Is it because most men are actually not having any significant trouble? Or because people don’t want to talk about it? For example, if you search “Tinder” in Google News you’ll find 90%+ of the articles are written by women with recommendations for primarily other women on “how to get what you want” or alternatively about the top 1% of guys who get “too much sex” from the app. You won’t find much or anything about the number of guys who are getting zero or near zero matches or ignored by the few matches they get. You won’t find much of anything about the men that are being left out of the online dating world, as thousands of guys are talking about on forums and places like Reddit and Quora every day.
Despite the world being obsessed with “social justice”, you won’t read about women’s pervasive patterns of racial, height, or other looks discrimination against men or how difficult they are to counteract. You won’t read about the growing inequities in the dating marketplace these create. Are most hetero guys just not having trouble in dating? Or is it just “taboo” to talk about?

Furthermore, why is it assumed that if you are having trouble in dating as a man, despite trying the “conventional” advice (exercise, have hobbies, be successful, be funny, try to find common interests, etc.) it automatically means you hate women? I feel harshly discriminated against by women every day in the dating marketplace for things I can’t control, when I look at the statistics that mirror my experience or I compare my experience to that of some of my male friends, but it doesn’t mean I hate women or that I feel “entitled”. It’s just being discriminated against is never fun to live through. Especially not in such an important area. Everyone wants to love and feel loved. Everyone wants to have sex with someone who wants them too. Do you have any thoughts or advice?
-Dating Problems for a Guy

Dear Dating Problems,
I think you bring up a great point. Why aren’t we talking about it more? Hopefully you sending in this question will get more conversation brewing on the topic.  We’re certainly here and open to talking about the male dating scene and inequalities of online dating.  We get it. About 90% of the dating and marriage questions submitted to Dear Hoopers are from women. So thank you for sending in your question and bringing up a very important topic regarding the taboo of male dating conversation.

To love and feel loved is one of the greatest treasures we have as humankind. That is clear. The online dating world however is murky. It’s a cluster of excitement, disappointment, opportunity and confusion. While companies like and eHarmony still boast a “scientific approach” to helping people find love, many users of these sites would say that the only thing that matters when making the love connection is someone’s profile picture. At least at first. I personally know of a handful of fairytale romances that blossomed out of some of these sites. At the same time, we can all point to another handful of friends or family that are active in online dating and constantly moaning about the trials and complexities.

Thank you for starting this dialogue but getting bogged down in it isn’t going to improve your situation.


My advice? Don’t put all of your eggs in one online dating basket. If you feel there is daily discrimination, what is that doing to your psyche? Ditch it for a while! Look at investing your time in meeting single women in other areas. Where would your “type” hang out? A bar, book store, on an intramural soccer team?

Most people are naturally attracted to people who seem secure and content, regardless of their relationship status. So make sure you are in the right headspace. Instead of trying to decode the algorithms and faults of online dating, put that energy into doing things you love. Trade in dating fatigue for a mental break of fun. Thank you for starting this dialogue but getting bogged down in it isn’t going to improve your situation. Women find men that are positive and upbeat and believe in themselves very attractive. Be THAT guy and maybe your luck will change.

Dear Dating Problems,
I hear you trying to talk about your very real and valid concerns with your dating struggles but I get lost in your misplaced frustration and anger. It is very fair and reasonable for you to desire a romantic relationship in your life and to feel upset when your desires aren’t met. But I’m not sure that the energy you’re spending towards media recognition of your plight is energy well spent. Remember that no one owes you a date. So concerns about growing inequities in the men’s dating market may be unreasonable.

You expressed concerns about being labelled as hating women or as being entitled. I’m not sure if this is an issue for you but I will say that I do hear resentment in the way you expressed your question. Perhaps this comes from a reasonable disappointment that you are feeling, but I could imagine how this resentment could get in the way of finding a partner. I think it will be important for you to reconsider your expectations as you enter the dating world. Remember that a humble and kind spirit will go a long way.

Remember that a humble and kind spirit will go a long way.

-Dr. Ryan

Finding a partner is about fit, which includes many aspects of fit. Unfortunately, the websites and apps you mentioned in your question are primarily focused on looks. If you feel as though this is limiting your ability to find a partner, then look into new options. Some people have found success by getting away from the apps/websites and out into the world. Perhaps consider joining some meetup groups based around hobbies that you enjoy and see if there are any people that you connect with. You may or may not find love but you can have a good time in the process.
-Dr. Ryan